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I've managed to dust off the most of the friends I didn't really have a reason to keep around by being edgy and anti-social. Hopefully the next batch is more fulfilling.

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Brief moments of sweet serenity dissipate just as soon as they come, never being able to fully establish it's flavour before the harsh, bitter reality sets on my tongue.

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Merry Christmas!

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I want to kill myself.

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The main reason as to why I don't want a relationship is simply the fact that I don't possess the energy to continuously be around another person. I can socialize to my heart's content online because I don't have to worry about the tone, mannerisms, body language, cadence, etcetera of myself and others all at the same time.

You know those moments where, you're staring up at the ceiling in bed and you suddenly start remembering all your embarassing moments? That's what I absolutely despise. I abhor that wretched feeling. And so I thought, "If I simply refuse to socialize, I would stop producing memories that bring forth that feeling!". This, combined with the lack of energy, motive and incentive for socialization, led me to retreat into solitude.

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I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stomach the 3d world.

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What benefits would a loving lady provide?

I wonder. See, I'm perfectly fine living my life as is; anime, Japanese media in general, doomscrolling, web-surfing and enjoying fantasies of anime girls is more than enough to keep me happy. I don't actually know if a relationship provides anything worthwhile. If I do acquire a beautiful woman, will she provide a life far more fulfilling than the one I currently have? I have been told "I love you" and said "I love you" many times to someone whom I loved romantically, and after a short period of time, the meaning fell apart. Yet, I have not experienced physical contact in a romantic context. Is it really worth it? Or will it all fall apart again? This romantic contact is strived for by almost everyone. People fight, argue, battle, despair, cry, kill, suicide, wage war, and more over these relationships. This leads me to believe that maybe such goals aren't the right thing to be endeavouring for, if endeavouring for anything is worth it in the first place.

Now that I actually reflect on my life, I realize that I am not actually miserable. Sure, I am depressed about the fact that my life will never be "perfect", but I am not miserable. I am despondent yet perfectly content with my existence. This may sound contradictory, but I believe it to be true. These ambitions of mine I know to be unrealistic and unattainable, and I am satisfied with that fact.

So why should I seek salvation in a woman, when the journey to attain her is arduous and I do not yet know if she exists, when I could seek salvation in a life I am already familiar with?

I know of... no reason at all.

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I wonder what will happen to this website in 5-10 years time.

Will I have abandoned this blog? How much will I expand this site? I have no intentions of stopping, and I hope it serves as a diary summarizing my emotions across the main years of my life. Obviously, I will only talk about the minutia, emotions, and thoughts that plight my uneventful life(for privacy reasons).

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Should one really consider "personality disorders" as an impressive and influential feat of social "science"? Sure, I may exhibit many symptoms of AvPD(Avoidant Personality Disorder), but can you really call it a disorder? Why couldn't it just be considered an avoidant personality? Just because something differs from the norm, doesn't mean we should "fix" it, or categorize it as a problem.

I find social sciences to be profoundly useless in this regard. In fact, it may actually work against us. People who may possess genuine harmful personalities might invoke, let's say, BPD, as justification for their deranged behaviour. Now that you have categorized such actions and thought processes, people are free to aestheticise and romanticise it all they want, thus encouraging those inflicted to find no reason to relinquish the harmful nature of their personalities.

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I've been thinking about why science is viewed as an absolute authority. Why is science constantly used to tell people what they should do and think?

The obvious explanation, is that methodology gives science its authority. I think this is only true to a very limited extent. What's far more important, is that science has proven itself useful. Because science has objectively enabled useful innovations, that's what gives it any influence at all.

Something like a computer, either works, or it doesn't. If scientists got things completely wrong, making them wouldn't be possible. When science gets into the realm of politics, or ideology, or is too theoretical, it completely falls apart. Scientific methodology can be used to "support" pretty much anything if you have enough bias. Numbers can be fudged, sample size limited and filtered, and conclusions based on important, but implicit assumptions.

The objective usefulness of some science, i.e. physics, biology, chemistry, gives credibility to the rest of it, despite the latter not needing to prove itself in the real world. That's how "the experts" can do something like tell people something is healthy, when it's not.

They'll do this because their jobs depend on funding, and the people funding them have an agenda. If anyone complains, just call them crazy for questioning something with so much authority.

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Sylvie is so adorable, sometimes I have the urge to become schizophrenic and convince myself she's real. It'll bring false happiness, but it's happiness nonetheless.

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Got rejected in a dream.

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Happy birthday Megumin!

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There isn't anything worth living for except anime waifus in my eyes. What a boring world. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with enjoying this shithole, but personally it's not for me. Not even the best real woman this planet has to offer could remedy the pure sadness I hold in my heart. I wonder, if I was born in an ideal world in my eyes, would I still hold this yearning? For an even better world that is. Maybe? I'm such a pessimistic person, constantly going through various existential crises. It would have to come down to whether this nihilism is genetic/samskaric, and not influenced by experience. I wonder.

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me

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I feel like a lot of the things I say tend to have no value or significance. I'm not intellectual, I have no wisdom to give... I want to talk to others online and have fun but I feel so... boring. And other times, the people I actually am friends with online, have an iq below 70(and that's being generous). I can't really have an enlightening conversation about anything at that point. I might honestly try and distance myself by being edgy or something.

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Just going to use this site to express my lamentation from now on; as I originally intended.

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I wish I was some sort of infohazard that erases the knowledge of me from anyone who possesses it. Sort of like 055.

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When I'm lurking old imageboards, I tend to wonder where these people are now.

https://uboachan.net/n/res/16484.html#q16484

This was posted in 2015. OP would be 31 today assuming he hasn't killed himself. Has he broken out of neetdom? Or has he fully embraced it? We will never know.

https://uboachan.net/n/res/16612.html#q16612

I can see myself setting up such a house if I am lonely enough when I finally get a well-paying job. It seems interesting at the very least. Just have to make sure I don't invite any full-blown nazis(the ones that aren't so serious can be fine in my opinion) or immature mentally ill degenerates.

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"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth."

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But despite the unending suffering, the hopelessness, and the despair, "God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." (John 3:17)

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He who has not suffered from briefly walking down the path of genuine nihilism has not seen the wicked world for what it is and continues to be deluded by its illusions. I pity yet envy those who lack the burden of the truth.

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More people than ever are loudly complaining about how they've been canceled, censored, silenced, or ignored. But I for one see the value in a little peace and quiet.

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Sometimes it's nice to just look up at the stars and feel insignificant for a while. It's like all of my worries suddenly vanish in the vast emptiness of the material world. I am nothing, ultimately, and I take comfort in that. I take comfort in the fact that these horrid, rotten feelings deep inside me mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. They'll pass... eventually. Like everything else in life. Withered to dust, and scattered in the wind. That's not to say the good feelings will last forever, but at least they left good memories. All I can really do is keep trying and appreciate the beauty currently in my life before it too withers to dust and scatters in the wind.

I'm trying. I really am.